Shabbat Shalom, Hey!

Shabbat mornings have become an increasing quandary for me. I know it would be good to take the kids to shul, especially the girls who are already 4 and 6. I have memories of going to shul with my father, playing with my friends, sitting on his lap for kriat hatorah. However, since we haven't really found a shul that we're all comfortable in, it's kind of hard to swing that. My husband goes to a local Israeli minyan, but the girls don't like going with him because they don't have friends there. The shul where they have friends is not really comfortable for my husband (too Anglo). So, occasionally I've taken them to the park near the Anglo shul where they have friends, so they can socialize and I can see some of my friends and then we meet up at home for kiddush and lunch. I've tried to take them into shul myself and it always ends in disaster. It's just too hard to manage the three of them myself.

Usually, I'm just lazy, and the girls happily play their elaborate pretend games in their room, which usually involves every costume and plastic food item we own, Eli gets cereal crumbs all over the house and I make it 3/4 of the way through my latest New Yorker. Very spiritual for all involved...

This week, I decided to make a change. I made everyone get dressed (the above homebound scenario occurs in pajamas).  We cleaned up the living room and we did tefillat yeladim at home. Avital, my oldest, was our chazanit. We used her old gan siddur. I had her lead from what she knew from gan and school and Tehilla and I followed along. Eli came with a bencher and answered amen where it was and wasn't appropriate. We went through the brachot and did a lot of hand motions. And then I added some Shabbat related tefilot. I taught them the first line of El Adon and we sang v'Shamru from Shemoneh Esreh. And then we did Birkat Hachodesh and davened really hard for a good month. We all really enjoyed it. I'm sorry we didn't start this sooner, but, better late then never.

And then, in fine tefillat yeladim tradition, we ended the session with a treat. Bittersweet chocolate, because that's all I had. It's no toffee, but, at least they've developed a taste for it.  

How do you handle shul and kids?

I Wanted to be Different, Just Like All the Other Different People

Mrs. S made a very insightful comment to me at the recent blogger meetup in Modiin. She said "You make so many great comments, why don't you just turn them into posts?" I am a pretty prolific commenter, I'm not sure why I don't turn them more into posts. That strategy would populate this blog a bit more.

I'm really glad I made it to the meeting, despite being appallingly late once again. It was great to see everyone and great to hear some blogging tips from the pro, Mom in Israel.

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So, because I'm a friend or fan of a Morasha alumni group on Facebook, I got a notice about an alumni event they're planning soon, in the States. Obviously not relevant to me, but I started snooping around their site and discovered they have photo archives going back to the sixties. Since I went there from 85 to about 91 ( I skipped a year but went on their Sulam Israel trip, Gd knows why), I started trying to look up my old camp photos and look what I found:

What a hoot. Can you guess which one is me? Yes, the only one wearing a blue shirt. I wanted to be different, just like all the other different people... Why the heck couldn't I find a red shirt? And why am I wearing a skirt? I wasn't particularly frum back then, as far as I can remember. I definitely wore pants and shorts in general.

I love the commentary in this photo about Modern Orthodoxy. The majority of the girls are wearing pants, shorts and short sleeves.  I was 13 then, what a horrifically awkward age. Just leaving childhood, not quite a grownup. I wasn't a big fan of camp, but this age was particularly difficult. I was never good at dealing with cliques (to this day I can't seem to get the hang of it). Because of this I'm very sensitive to how my daughters deal with their friends and if I hear of any kind of insensitivity, on their part or their friends, I try to help them work through it. I also encourage them to be as inclusive as possible. Since I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from their friends' parents this seems to be working. 

(As an aside, I notice a lot of parents have a hands-off approach when it comes to their kids and friends. I really believe that kids need to learn how to be good friends and they need guidance from parents on how to be sensitive and inclusive. I think that children have some natural empathy and sensitivity but these feelings do need to be nurtured and supported). 

I look at photos like this and I feel like I've lived so many mini-lifetimes already- distinct time periods that I'll never be able to go back to but are still so sharp in my memory. I'm starting to have that feeling even in my own marriage- I'll never be able to go back to the first year of our marriage, my oldest will never be a baby anymore. Hard to believe.

Collecting the Moments One by One

I can't even use the excuse that I haven't been near a computer, because I work on the internetz!

A recap from the last week or two:

Just to chime in with other Israeli parent-teacher conference goers, I too, received a sparkling first report for my first first grader. What a nice feeling, especially since I feel that I put in just as much work as my daughter! First grade is really tough these days. Much tougher than mine. (I seem to only remember painting the windows, reading groups with Mrs. McGivern and being forced into Second Grade Hebrew because I learned the aleph-bet in Chabad kindergarten).  A. seems to have an infinite number of notebooks, workbooks and folders to keep track of. Not to mention schools supplies that never stay in her kalmar. (I now seem to make a weekly trip to Office Depot to resupply her bottomless pencil case). But, despite all of these obstacles, she sailed through like the princess she is, smiling, courteous, davening with kavana and learning to read, write, add and subtract all in 3 months!

My 18 month old son, E, took his first steps this week. I knew he would because he managed to walk with a baby doll stroller on Shabbat, exactly the way A did 5 years ago. (The Shabbat she did that, she walked that week). Now, the night he took a few steps, I was very excited and of course told my husband. When he took him to gan the next morning, though, he forgot to tell the gannenet. When she saw him walk, she called me so excited and said "הוא הולך לבד! " When I heard that, my first thought was that he walked out of her yard alone!! But then I quickly realized that she was just excited that he's walking unaided. Whew!

Poor T is stuck in the middle. Our relationship is going through a rough patch. She announced this morning that she doesn't like me, because I made her wear a sweatshirt she didn't like. She has a very particular taste in clothes, that I try to accommodate, but most mornings I'm just not in the mood for a reenactment of What Not to Wear. I know I should pick my battles, but I'm not always good at that. Of course, 15 minutes after she proclaimed her dislike for me, she begged me not to leave her gan immediately after drop off. I can't win...

Hubby is in Germany for 48 hours, as per usual. Just me, my computer and Elite 92 calorie chocolate bars, which are surprisingly satisfying, even though I only ate one!
Here is a really darling music video I found: 





The song is from the soundtrack to the movie (500) Days of Summer. We saw the movie a few weeks ago and I thought it was ok, but I loved the music. Straight from my high school days, the Smiths, the Pixies, etc. I just love how creative and whimsical this video is. I'm not really into music or videos anymore (especially since I lost my entire cd collection on one of my flights back to Israel in 2000) but this one reminds me of why I used to be into it.


[Post title is a paraphrase from the song]

הילדה הכי יפה בגן

For those who aren't familiar with this great Yehudit Ravitz song, here's a link.

I think my middle daughter might win the title for her gan this year. I'm not trying to brag, (of course it feels great that my daughter is so loved) but I'm more amazed than anything else. I know that she's made a lot of friends as we've had quite a few playdates this year, but the reaction of the boys when I bring her in the morning is unbelievable. They literally start whooping and shouting and going into a frenzy when I bring her in. Today, they started when I came in (she was putting up her name on the board by the door), because they know I'm her Ima. They shout "T is here! T is here!". I don't think she really knows what to do with the attention, because she can actually be quite shy. She doesn't even really acknowledge them, because she likes to settle into gan at her own pace in the mornings.

I just think it's quite amazing. She's only four now. What's going to be when she's actually a teenager...?

Baby Survival Kugel

Breaking news at the Startup Wife home: My husband's startup was mentioned int his BusinessWeek article.  (His is the second company mentioned, SolarEdge). Woo hoo! Nice to have the media recognize the millions of hours he (and I, picking up the slack at home) have put into this business.

On to the recipe:

So, I've recently been complaining  about how E, my little one, doesn't eat a blessed thing ( I really did offer him most things in Hannah's post here but even from a young age he turned up his nose at the simplest foods). Well, he almost doesn't eat anything. He did take a shine to my carrot kugel (rather, the Kosher Palette's carrot kugel recipe. Remember that oldie but goodie cookbook?). I decided to play with the kugel recipe to turn it into a well rounded meal, since he refuses so many other foods. Here's what I ended up with and it's  still a huge hit with him.

Baby Survival Kugel
5 carrots, peeled and cut into coins
1-2 zuchinni, washed well and sliced
1 cup whole wheat/white flour (depending on preference)
2 Tbs wheat germ
1.5 tsp baking powder
1 small container white yogurt, higher fat the better (3-4%)
1/2 cup oil
2 eggs
3/4 cup sugar (you can try 1/2 as well, if you would prefer less sweet)
1 tsp vanilla

Steam or boil vegetables until soft (steaming will retain more vitamins). Drain and mash in a large mixing bowl with a potato masher. Add the rest of the ingredients, in any order you prefer. Mix lightly with a spoon and then blend with a hand blender (alternatively, you can put all the ingredients into a traditional blender and whiz there.) Pour into a lightly greased rectangular pan and bake at 180 degrees Celsius for 40-45 minutes, until golden on top and firm.

Let cool completely and refrigerate. Cut into squares or "fingers" and serve warm, room temp or cold. Goes anywhere you child does. Can be served even as a breakfast treat!  Feel free to sub in different vegetables- works especially well with pumpkin and sweet potato.

Is Gender Socialization Genetic?

Lisa Belkin writes on her Motherlode blog about a boy who wants to be a ballerina for Halloween.  The mother wants to stop him, not because she think it's wrong, but because she doesn't want him to be teased. I understand this, but I tend to agree with the commenters who think, at 5, he's ready to be prepared for the teasing and, if he still wants to dress up after being well-informed of the possible social consequences, then she should let him.

This got me thinking about my own boy's toy preferences. My husband and I have been fascinated by how, even as early as 12 months, he had a clear preference for decidedly male-oriented toys- especially trucks, cars and tractors.When Mr. Startup (hubby) returned from a trip to the states with gifts, he bought the girls Barbies (those Polly Pockets were driving me crazy. They lasted about 5 minutes no matter how hard I tried to corral them all into various storage boxes.) and an adorable furry kitty stuffed animal for E. No go. Totally not interested and this was at 14 months. A month later, he brought back a green racing car that zoomed off by itself. A huge hit! We were both simply amazed at how he was gender socialized at such a young age. And where did it come from? It's not like we had a house full of boy toys. In fact the opposite- almost everything is  pink, sparkly and dolls. Dolls totally don't interest him. When I try to give him one to distract him, he just throws it to the side.

He loves other kinds of toys too- especially stacking cups and a toy where you can stack large beads. But we are just fascinated about how he fell so easily into his gender role so early. It's genetic? I have no idea.

When Mom Can't Make It All Better

I happened to actually turn on the TV on Thursday night, which is a rare occurrence for me, and the movie Medurat Hashevet (Campfire) by Josef Cedar was on. I loved that movie when it first came out in 2004 and I loved watching it again, especially after thinking about A Mother in Israel's post What Defines Israeli Parenting?

All of the classic Israeli aspects of childraising are in the movie- the independence (the main character, Tami, spends lots of time on her own, and the climactic moment of the movie actually happens because she's at an unsupervised Lag B'Omer campfire); the mother who tries to be authoritative but sensitive but is too self absorbed by her own traumas to follow through on either well; the insularity of the religious neighborhood that tries to fend off the "bad kids" from the poorer neighborhood next door. It's really a fantastic movie and worth renting if you haven't seen it yet.

One element that really struck me after this viewing was Tami's reaction to her trauma. In most Hollywood movies and TV shows, when something bad happens to a child (Tami is 15), the normal reaction is for the child to report what happened directly to her parents or siblings or another trusted adult. Tami doesn't say a word to anyone. When her sister asks what happened and tries to get her to talk, she refuses and says she's ok. When her mother tries the same, after saying she's not angry, same thing happens. The movie ends, loose ends are tied up, but Tami never discusses what happened with her mom or sister. I thought that was curious and somewhat unsatisfying for the viewer. I wanted her to have that catharsis of spilling everything to her mom and getting comfort, but for some reason Cedar chose to deny us and her that moment.

I think there is something true to life in Tami's reaction. We always assume that kids need to talk, especially when they are in trouble. Maybe sometimes kids need to be alone with their trauma, to work through it themselves. There's a lot in the movie about drawing boundaries within the family- the mother gets angry in the beginning when the older daughter locks her bedroom door and fools around with her boyfriend. She breaks the window on the door as punishment. When Tami locks her door to be alone, the mother reminds her "We don't lock doors in this house!". I think Tami's silence is part of that process of creating boundaries and defining herself.

Best and Worst Parenting Feelings

Painting by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

There is no better feeling than having all three kids asleep at 7:28 pm.

There is no worse feeling that having your son wake up screaming or spit food out that he really wants to eat because a nasty sore on his tonsil makes it too unbearable to swallow. And there is nothing you can do to soothe him aside from hold him and try to shove more Nurofen down his throat if it's time. Hand, foot and mouth disease sucks! Though this homeopathic spray my sister in law recommended seemed to work just now. I sprayed some after he woke up from his early bedtime and he managed to get back to sleep after a few minutes.

Another good feeling I've been having is watching my two daughters play and interact with each other. A is 6.4 in kita aleph and T is 4. They are truly best friends. When my parents were here, my mother was absolutely amazed at how they could sit on the couch for an hour, my older lying in my younger's lap and listening to younger tell embellished versions of her dreams, complete dramatic cameos from Barbie and some other dolls. They truly love each other's company, most of the time. They do fight and bicker sometimes (there was a drama about sharing a balloon in the car today) but they absolutely care deeply for each other. When A spent a Shabbat away at Savta and Zayde's alone for "quality time" they both only wanted to talk to each other on the pre and post shabbat check-in phone call. A just had to share this very important joke with T, she had no time to talk to Ima or Abba!

I don't have a sister and neither does my mother (in a way, we are each other's sister- we talk on the phone everyday and talk about everything). So it gives me even more pleasure to see how close they are, and how much they truly enjoy each other's company. It's also very convenient to have a live-in playdate.

They both love their little brother, so it will be interesting to see how they incorporate him into their play as he gets old enough. He's still in the destructive phase of play.

Navigating the Mass-Market Milk World

Lisa Belkin has a post up on her Motherlode blog about dealing with rules and attitudes your kids might encounter at friends or in school that differ from the ones at home. Like, you don't have a TV in your house but your neighbor does- are your kids allowed to watch or not?

It's an interesting discussion. I deal with this with the chiloni family across the hall. They have a daughter the same age as my oldest. So my two girls and she play really nicely together. We've gotten into some healthy discussions about how she rides on Shabbat and we don't. For the most part, I've been fine with their play dates, except for some TV shows here and there that I don't care for. A, my oldest, came home from gan last year singing some movie songs that I don't care for either. Also, I let them watch the preschool channel Hop on TV but Arutz Hayeladim (the Children's Channel that's not very kid friendly) is banned here. But I can't forbid them from watching it at other people's houses.

Generally, I try to stay flexible, unless it's something that really offends my sensibilities, like Bratz dolls.

This mother has other problems:

I am experiencing this right now. I LOVE my neighbor who watches my daughter twice a week, but I do notice that she comes home singing little jingles that I’d rather her not know. Yesterday it was “shake your booty…” ha! We don’t own a tv and we eat very healthily, but like other commentors, I’ve wanted my daughter to be aware that other families do things differently and to find love and joy with others even though they are different. We’ve compromised with the nieghbor on lots of little things …no sugary juice for my daughter when the other kids have their juice but rather organic raw milk (provided by me) instead. Now it’s a non-issue. But with the corny pop culture jingles? I don’t know how to handle this one. Should I risk coming off as a total judgemental b**** and asking her not to show movies to my child (she’s already agreed to no TV when my daughter is over) or should I get over it and just “shake my booty!”? :)

Here was my response:

Anonymous #32:

I vote for getting over it, having some sugary juice and letting go a bit. Your daughter has got to learn how to navigate the pasteurized mass-market milk world sometime. Now would be good.

I found the attitudes about TV and food in the comments to be remarkably similar to haredi attitudes towards those topics (TV is bad, can't trust the standards of the next-door neighbor).

How do you deal with different rules and alternative attitudes toward the values and ideals that are important to you?